Christmas Depression
by VeneficaMelody
Summary: Rated for sadness. Usagi's ruminations after Mamoru breaks up with her, just before Christmas.


**Christmas Depression**

Christmas. Bah humbug! Trudging down the slush-coated sidewalk, Usagi shoved her hands farther into the pockets of her pale pink jacket. She had never really been into the Christmas spirit, because she had never had someone to share it with. And she wasn't talking family-- she meant a boyfriend, someone to truly care for her. It had always seemed like a gaping hole in Usagi's chest, bringing depressed to her doorstep on what should have been the happiest holiday of the season. 

However, this year, it was far worse for Usagi. This time, instead of the usual lonely aching, it was a full-blown explosion of pain. Her boyfriend of almost a year, Chiba Mamoru, had suddenly broken it off between them. For months, he had been growing more distant, angrier over simple things. Usagi hadn't wanted to admit it to herself, but the break up had been coming for a long, long time. The pain she had experienced hadn't been anything that she had felt before. That sort of soul-searing, heart-shattering pain... No, Usagi hadn't expected Mamoru to break her heart like that. 

Maybe it was Usagi's naiveness, but she had thought that Mamoru really cared about her. She had never thought that he could truly be so heartless. Their break up, the way he had so effortlessly cast her aside... It had seemed to come so easy to him. With the way Mamoru had acted, she had to ask herself if he had ever really cared about her. Right before he had broken up with her, he had suddenly started acting so loving... But then, out of the blue, he said "I don't think you're the girl for me," and shoved her away. Usagi hadn't wanted to believe that it was true, and she still tried to fool herself that, soon, Mamoru would take her back into his arms, and his heart. 

Getting to her house, she entered and slipped off her boots. The melting snow outside had made for a very messy walk. Walking upstairs to her room, she wondered why she was being so stupid. Why had she gone to the arcade, hanging around for four hours? She had told herself that she wanted a cup of hot cocoa and to play the Sailor V video game, but her heart knew the truth. She was looking for Mamoru; waiting for him to apologize for his mistake in breaking it off with her. In her heart, though, she knew that she hadn't been imagining the finality in Mamoru's steely gaze when he had walked away. Maybe she had never really meant anything to him to begin with. 

Putting her coat on the back of the chair, she walked over to sit on the bed. Wiggling her feet in the warm depths of her fuzzy carpet, she smiled as she felt the warmth permeating her cold limbs. On her way upstairs, she had thrown her sopping wet socks in the laundry basket. How was it that the slush was able to made its way into her high boots? She had never figured that out. 

Shrugging it away, she leaned over to turn on the radio sitting on her bedside table. Lying down on the pillow, she listened to the song that had come on, she grimaced. It was a sad, slow song, where the singer was wondering why he hadn't yet been the recipient of true love. Everyone else seemed to have someone who made them happy-- was he wishing on someone else's star? Usagi could easily sympathize with the man who was pouring his soul out in the lyrics. 

She felt as alone as he did, maybe even more so. Having felt Mamoru's love, she didn't know how she could get over it. How could she stop looking for him around every corner; stop feeling his lips on hers? How could she banish the dreams that plagued her each night... calling her into his arms, where she was still loved. The dreams hurt the worst, because they drew her into the fantasy that he still loved her. And when she woke up, she held the illusion that he was still hers. After the fog of sleep wore off, it hit her like a ton of bricks that nothing was the same again. 

As the song wound down, Usagi let out a bitter laugh. Why was it that she, of all people, had given away her heart? She had never really had any true friends. Those like Naru and Umino had easily drifted away and lost contact. Usagi supposed that they still lived with their parents, with their same lives, but they never spoke to her anymore. Somehow, they were no longer the friends they had once been. 

In a time that Usagi could use friends most of all -- someone's shoulder to cry on -- no one was there for her. Her family couldn't understand, she had already realized that. So it was her sad task to go through the pain alone. Tsukino Usagi had never really been what you could call popular. For a while in high school, she had had a small group of friends that she hung around with. But she had never been able to really talk to her-- they hadn't understood her feelings. Mamoru had been the only one she had ever found that had really understood her. 

The man had told her that their future was 'forever,' but he had ended that in a moment. Why? Usagi hadn't been given a reason for his actions, except that she needed to grow up... that she didn't understand him... All of those seemed like excuses-- telling her that he had found someone else. But had he? Mamoru had never seemed like the type to cheat... But neither had he seemed like the type who would hurt her so easily. Usagi didn't know what to think, about any of it. She had been left broken-heart and confused, and no one really seemed to care. Mamoru least of all. 

A fast-paced pop song came on the radio, and she grimaced, reaching over to shut it off when the girl started spouting the many great things about her current lover. Usagi, in her pain, couldn't care less if some man had promised a famous pop star the skies. It was just someone else falling under the false promises of a famous celebrity. Even if it was, most probably, a fake publicity sort of love, Usagi hated it. Hated their happiness; their commitment to each other. 

A true commitment to another person... No, with Usagi's recent break up and her now bitter heart, she didn't think that it was possible for most people. After Mamoru had jaded her, she was wary of love. She still wanted a relationship with someone who really cared, but she knew that she couldn't trust any man's words anymore. Even with the hurt she had suffered, Usagi still wanted to find someone who really loved her for who she was. 

Was it too much to ask for someone who could really care; stay with her? Naively, she had thought that Mamoru was the one who would never fail her; always be by her side. Mamoru had a lot more experience with relationships than she did (a lot more-- he had been her first boyfriend), but she would never admit that to him. After it was broken up, Usagi had through a phase of anger, but now only depression weighed heavily on her soul. Hadn't she meant anything to him? She was only glad of the fact that she hadn't given him her virginity. It was small comfort, because she had given him her heart and soul. Why should her body be any different? But at least he hadn't possessed her completely. Small miracle, right? 

Turning to look out the window, she saw the snowflakes falling like little frozen stars. It wasn't too helpful, but it was good to know that she could at least take a small measure of joy in the beauty of a snowfall. Until she remembered her teasing promise to Mamoru to beat him in a snowball fight. In her loving fantasy of the scene, when she had planned it out in her mind, it had ended with the both of them lying in the snow, sharing a passionate kiss. 

Memories like those were the ones that would break her... Send her hurtling into the depths of despair... 

_Mamoru, I need you..._

Her desperate mind whispered the thought, but she knew that it would never reach him. He had closed his heart off to her...and it hurt so much she thought she would never claw out of the dark chasm of loneliness and pain. 

*** 

Author's Notes: Please don't ask for another chapter for this story. This is all there is. The pain, depression, and loneliness of a horrible break up that doesn't make sense. This was done in about 10 minutes, with a few breaks. So... It's probably not that good, or might not make sense. The song I was listening to as I wrote this was "Someone Else's Star" by Bryan White, which is also the song that Usagi heard on the radio. (And, no, I won't take questions about why an American song was being played on Japanese radio. And, please, also don't inform me that Usagi's English (or Engrish) has to be as bad as her written Japanese, because I KNOW these things.) 

And, yeah, I'm in a bad mood. Pretty much the way Usagi is feeling in this story. Those are my feelings, through her eyes. Except I hurt worse, because mine lasted for 3 years...next month. 


End file.
